the little earth mama who wore her wings

It's been over 2 years since I've been on my own.
Everyday & everynight, my life is filled with the energy of others.
I'm not complaining - I love it.
I'm blessed because of it.
But this week, I had the rare opportunity to see the world with a different set of lenses that allowed me to peek into my past lives, inner-self & future manifestations.
It's been too long since I had a moment to be with myself.
It's been so long since I had a moment to be by myself...to be myself.

Today, I write because I've lived it.
I write because it is important to me.
I write because it helps me grow - as a mother, as a sister, as a woman, as an artist, as a Pinay, as a leader.
I'm writing to OWN MY SIGNIFICANCE.
I'm writing because everyone needs to know how to remember the precious moments in their lives.
I'm writing so I don't ever forget because it's so easy to do.

(Much appreciation to all those who've sprinkled love, spent time & shared space. You all make my heart smile)

*******

My Life (In The Sunshine)

Monday Night
* Drinks @ Toronado w/ Cleo Fung, Travis Robinson, and the lady bartenders (Lower Haight, SF)
* Hot Cocoa, Aviator, Mezcal @ NOPA w/ Cleo Fun & Travis Robinson (NOPA, SF)
* Mowtown on Mondays @ Madrone Art Bar w/ Cleo Fung, Travis Robinson, and the lady bartenders (NOPA, SF)

Tuesday
* Ethiophian @ Moya w/ Cleo Fung, Travis Robinson, and the lady bartenders (SOMA, SF)
* Drinks @ Bloodhound; Dominoes & Rummy (SOMA, SF)

Wednesday
* 10 Years of Catching Up w/ Rymo Cortado @ Sunflower Cafe (The MISSION, SF)
* A Walk to Land's End w/ Jesica McIntyre (Outer Sunset, SF)
* Skype w/ My Boys Teao Sense & Sakima Jairo Xae (HOME SWEET HOME)

Thursday
* Playtime w/ Maitreya! (ALL OVER Berkeley & Oakland)
* Skype w/ My Boys Teao Sense & Sakima Jairo Xae (Queendom, OAK)
* BRL Film Premier - "A Lovely Day" w/ Tomas Alvarez, Rob Jackson, BRL Click, Val Shagday, Lexx Valdez@ The Grand Lake Theater (Lakeshore, OAK)
* Koryo Sushi w/ Ella Blends & Kaira Espinoza (TELEGRAPH, OAK)
* Night 1 @ The QUEENDOM (Lakeshore, OAK)
* Girl Time w/ Kaira Espinoza (Queendom, OAK)

Friday
* Solo Bubble Bath (Queendom, OAK)
* P.E.A.C.E. Fits Biz w/ Andreas Smith @ Lakeview Cafe (Lakeshore, OAK)
* Car Battery Died & Tomas Alvarez Came To The Rescue! (Lakeshore, OAK)
* Shopping @ Collage Clothing Lounge (Lakeshore, Oakland)
* More P.E.A.C.E. Fits Biz w/ Andreas Smith @ Rooz Cafe (OAK)
* Halloween Warehouse Party Prep w/ Joshua Saenz @ hOMevolution (W. Oakland, OAK)
* Glitch Hop Warehouse Party @ hOMevolution w/ Andreas Smith, Kaira Espinoza, Joshua Saenz, Stephanie C. Moore)
* Legos Roots @ New Parish w/ Andreas Smith, Joshua Saenz, Stephanie C. Moore & Afrolicious)
* Late Night Sushi @ Koryo Sushi w/ Andreas Smith, Joshua Saenz, Stephanie C. Moore (W. Oakland, OAK)

Saturday
* Skype w/ My Boys Teao Sense & Sakima Jairo Xae (Queendom, OAK)
* Internal Cultivation (Queendom, OAK)
* The Most Amazing Samba Reggae Class w/ Kaira Espinoza & Kim Moor @ MCCLA (The MISSION, SF) - http://www.missionculturalcenter.org/MCCLA_New/teachers.html#metzi * Inner Meditation (Queendom, OAK)
* Tuk Tuk Thai Cafe w/ Stephanie C. Moore, Isabella, Cri Cri & James Robinson (Berkeley)
* Reflection & Redemption @ Home (DaPharm, SF)

Sunday
* House Cleaning Purple Rain Marathon!! (DaPharm, SF)
* Blessed Meeting Lil' Jionni w/ Tanisha & Ricardo Lopez (Alamo Square, SF)
* Indian Dinner w/ Ras K'dee Cunningham & Jennifer Greco @ India Clay♥Oven (Lower Haight, SF)
* Making Space: An Evening of Ritual, Griots and Touching Earth With Both Hands w/ Jennifer Greco & Patricia Barretto Ong @ La Pena Cultural Center (Ashby, BER) * Dessert & Dub Mission...for like a second! w/ Jennifer Greco (The MISSION, SF)
* Reflection: A Week In Review (DaPharm, SF)

A Letter to My Son

You entered the world taking a breath before your time
And for a moment,
Time & space was absent of sound
I spoke your name out loud
And prayed that with each breath I offer to Creator
life is breathed into you
With each chant of your name
a promise was made
that my life was not my own now, but yours
I prayed that you would hear my voice
And that it would lead you back to me
Back to the safety of my womb
Were you grew & thrived
Undisturbed, a way from danger
where you had everything you needed to survive

But here you are,
in my arms
Outside my protective vessel
Naked & bare
Fighting to live as you are learning how to simply be
At this moment, I realize all I have is faith
All I have is the love in my heart
And the commitment that
I would do my best to be a loving mother for you
And if the fates gave you a chance to be a man
Then I pledge to teach you how
to live a life with virtue & valor
That the essence of life is interconnected
to harmony with the land
That your gift of intuition is to be used for the higher good
And how gentleness can tame the wildest of spirits
You will learn that power is only honorable when used responsibly
And how being a leader for your tribe
Can be attained walking the path of love.

You entered the world taking a breath before your time
And for a moment,
Time & space was absent of sound
I spoke your name out loud
And prayed that with each breath I offer to Creator
life is breathed into you
Sakima Sakima Sakima
My son, you’ve elevated my being
Into its highest form
Sakima Sakima Sakima
Your very breath is my existence
Sakima Sakima Sakima
Rise and take your place as king amongst men
Sakima Sakima Sakima

…And for a moment, time & space was absent of sound
Until a glorious cry coming from the mouth of my newborn baby
broke the deathly air of silence
And in that instance, I knew my prayers heard
And that my work has just begun…

something bout the way...

the soft guitar strings
signaled it was time to have our last dance.
your hands reaching out in the dark
invite me to come closer,
and despite being afraid to engage, i oblige
and make my way.
we move to each strum.
our bodies synchronously sway.

in your eyes, i'm locked in
to a forever that cannot be
yet once felt like
forever.
the reflections of the past is vast and deep.
roots grew and flowers bloomed
birds flew, and you and i,
were eternally attuned.
my soul took shape with each step forward.
a transformation setting ablaze
a light so pure, so warm, so bright
i am better, stronger, wiser,
seasoned.
because of you
my unconditional lover
i feel my heart being pulled slowly
out of my chest
strings detaching
our lovely time is passing

A Love Letter From A Friend

"Who are you?

Where did you come from?

Are you an angel?

In your presence, I enter an ancient dream where

the past, future and present become ONE

TIME and SPACE

fall away

As you exhale

I inhale

As we are comforted by the eternal rhythm of our

breath

Where OUR fathers' LIMITLESS LOVE exists

You are the definition of LOVE

You communicate LOVE'S LANGUAGE as your smile

encourages flowers to bloom

This LOVE exists in the GOLDEN LIGHT that radiates

out of the

Center of your being

And heals everything you touch

In the POWER of your womb where the seeds of

FERTILITY and CREATIVITY reside

In the still waters of your eyes that emanate cool

violet serenity

LOVE exists in the time that the creator took to

make you

Every inch of you is BEAUTIFUL

YOU ARE BREATHTAKINGLY RADIANT

SACRED like a rare gem

NEVER FORGET HOW SPECIAL YOU ARE

I have come here to remind you

.:sweet thing:.

you make my heart sing...

swaying to and fro
to the shakes of quakes and
the rolls of thunder
the melody is perfect chaos
i the staccato
sprinkling sudden bursts of joy
to your continuous legato
producing an arrhythmia
i once ran away from
because it could prove fatal
afraid to sit and bask
in the truth of our connection
i forget how our souls kissed
and made love while we slept
as we were secretly dreaming, longing
for the warmth in each other's touch
the harmony in our layered chords
sealed our accord, sending our spirits
to auditory ecstasy
because together...
the melody we make
when we freely be
sings a song so sweet
so real, for our divine eyes to finally see
that this union of sounds
is music meant to be

The Sense in Sensibilities

Last night, I woke to a powerful thunderstorm brewing beneath my belly.
An energetic vortex exists in my once calm sea and Svadhisthana demands to be fulfilled.
Every inch of my skin begs to be touched; my lips quiver to be kissed.
My knees rise towards my chest. Tonight, I embrace them tightly. “Aahhh…” I close my eyes.
I am drowning…drowning in a whirlpool of fantasy.
Drowning in desire…drowning in guilt.
As my body twists like an uncoiling snake in heat, I kick off the blankets, quickly peel all layers
and begin to pray for peace to pacify the rapidly increasing pulsations agonizing me from within.
Oh my Goddess…
One hand is cupped below, the other, stretches out to feel for the phone.
My mother would never approve… or would she?

You see, growing up Catholic, my mother tried to ingrain
at an early age that sexual exploration
is only without sin when experienced
in the context of marriage between a man and a woman.
That a girl who allowed herself momentary and transient sexual
pleasures lacked self-respect and was a sinner in the eyes of God.
When I was a teenager, she told me stories of her childhood in the Philippines.
Of how propriety was observed by all the women in her family
And of how signs of the possibility of promiscuity was punished
with the sinner kneeling on grains of rice in front of the cross
while praying to Jesus for a clean mind, forgiveness and salvation.
I knew what she expected; what my ancestors expected.
But even at a young age, I knew that things were not so black and white
That the complex world we lived in was held together
by very delicate strings…

At the age of 21, my mother married a man almost 50 years her senior.
This union was not one of romantic love, but of security and opportunity.
It was a manifestation of the connection between poverty, opportunism,
a woman's mobility, and the global patterns of inequality.
But even with these social factors, no one can deny, especially her children,
how she sacrificed every little girl’s ideal dream for a marriage with sensibility.

When my father died and she became a widow in her late 30’s,
My mother experienced a freedom she hadn’t felt since her youth.
She began to feel like a woman again…
Not a mother, not a wife, not a provider…
Just…a woman…looking for a partner to share this lifetime with once again.
But she was different this time around. Time brought her many lessons.
She wasn’t young and naïve as she once was.
For years, she had been repressed by her gender, by her economic status,
and by a man she didn’t love. This time around, she…was seasoned.
Uncompromising, she looked for love and nothing less.
For desire to fuel her fire…for an ideal she thought she could never reclaim.
Like Stella…mama got her groove back and had no qualms about it.
But not everyone saw this experience as a form of liberation;
a celebration of life and of re-birth.
I knew the neighbors were intimated. She did too.
And it used to bother me that they were
as I watched many lovers come and go.
My perception of my mother changed.
In my mind she became the model of who not to be.
And I…I wanted to be different; to be accepted and respected.
She was no longer my Mother Mary, but more like Mary Magdalene.
And I, became one of those who threw stones…
I look back today and I ask myself why…why did I judge her?
Why did it matter what everyone else thought?
Why could I not see that she never stopped being
wonderful mother to me?

I adored her.
She was the epitome of an independent woman –
the vanguard, breadwinner, protector and caretaker of the family.
She was beautiful, loving and fearless.
She held all authority and was not to be questioned.
I desired to be a good daughter and to please her.
As a child, I wanted to be just like her.
But why was it that as I blossomed into a young woman,
I worked so hard to mold myself to become
as far from a the image of the woman I thought she had become.

But only time reveals certain lessons and experiences…new insights.
In June, I turned 29. A time of endings and new beginnings.
By this age, I felt society expectation to be a wife and mother.
To nest a sacred space for family.
To have a stationary home.
To be an established career woman.
To be done with youth and along with it
…it’s whimsical freedom.
But that’s not me.
That’s not my Pinay story.
Saturn’s return came with full force and revealed
the secret mysteries of life – joyful, sorrowful and glorious.
I realized who I’ve become…who I am.
I am single, childless and on my own.
My passions are art, travel & understanding human connection.
My family & companions, kindred spirits I’ve met along the way.
My home, is everywhere and anywhere I am welcomed.
My work is that of a healer…a babaylan priestess incarnate.
Reaching higher-self is my purpose.
And like my mother, my heart has been tried and tested.
It’s felt the pains of loss, as well as the ecstasy of love.
My own web has been spun and with it many stories
which continue from the thread that began with my mother.
I was told a long time ago, that to know history, was to know self.
Stepping into her shoes, I received my right of passage.
And finally, I am able to see the intricate complexities and honor
of what it means to be a woman by embracing my mother…my sweet, strong, amazing mother.
Now I can live life with no qualms and total ownership of my future.

transformation

butterfly
blue, green, gold and white
you're out of sight...
take flight to heights
unseen by thine eyes
the view in this distance
is divine
its mine
and yours
its ours...
float & flutter
do what you like
what feels right
cause you are free
the wind is energy
universe provides
at just the right time
with just the right force
to test the strength and
wisdom obtained
from wind's varied forms
to assist in evolution
we are provided what we need
everyday in every way
forever
for freedom

Where the ladies at? A woman's view on the current state of women in Hip Hop.

Growing up, Queen Latifah, MC Lyte, Lauryn Hill, Lil' Kim, Missy Elliot and Erykah Badu, to name a few, were iconic women in mainstream hip-hop. Each lady had her own style, her own flair, and her own message to share to the world. With dope beats & ill rhymes, they contributed their unique views of life told from the female eye. They shared stories of their role/s in hip hop, of mother & sisterhood, of hope & the intricacies of love, of the art of the hustle, of society's ills and inequalities, of politics & politriks, and of cautionary tales showcasing skills needed to survive. Collectively, they represented diversity in the female experience. They were activists, vixens, mothers, wives, and hustlers. They were freedom fighters who defied to define and shape reality through art.

It's been at least over a decade (for some even more) since these ladies first hit the scene, gained their fame, and moved on to other things in life creating a gap to be filled for new female voices in mainstream hip hop. While hip hop music, rooted in the idea of promoting self-expression for the disenfranchised, continued to spread all over the world being influenced by a wide range of musical styles, the genre, lyrically, has remained male dominated and what seemed to be a burgeoning industry for women to speak their truths has faded with time.

So, where the ladies at? Are there truly no females picking up the mic and spitting fire? Does the genre still provide a space for women to create and be great? These question got me curious about the current state of women in hip hop today so, I did some research. I looked on top online hip hop charts, spoke to industry professionals, and perused music pages, blogs and social networking sites to find out what's the latest (and greatest) in the female MC category.

In the mainstream scene, I experienced nothing short of disappointment. Not only was it difficult to find female MCs, but those who were successful to hit mass consumption like Nicki Minaj sounded like extensions of the male id who's messages primarily promoted money, materialism and misogyny. What was also abundant was the presence and objectification of the female body in the lyrical content and music videos of the industry's top male rappers. Labeled "walking bling", it's evident that the role of women in mainstream hip hop was being shaped for young ladies to be seen and not heard. There seems to be no sacred space for the sensitivities and sensibilities of women in the today's hyper-masculine hip hop.

As a woman, a fan of hip hop, and practitioner of self-expression, sitting quietly in the corner is not my style. The pervasiveness of the degradation of my sistren, coming from a form of art that has proven to be so empowering and healing to so many people cannot simply be overlooked and made acceptable. There was once a time when the voices of women in hip hop were celebrated and embraced. What happened to the hip hop that made me feel powerful and honored to be a woman? I'm not here to diss Nicki Minaj or any woman who decides to use her sexuality to make it in the music industry. But rather pose critical thought on what kinds of conditions creates and sustains a singular representation of women in mainstream hip hop, its effect on the psyche of those who consume this image and message, and what needs to change for there to be a demand for the stories depicting the multi-faceted nature and experiences of women.

On the flipside, I was inspired and impressed to find that the local and underground scenes did feature amazing female MC's, lyricists and rappers such as M.I.A., Jean Grae and Hopie Spitshard. These ladies rap about a myriad of topics with depth and breadth using stylistic precision, intelligent and witty rhymes, and their feminity without the use of sexploitation to get attention and further advancement. The failures of the mainstream to promote and spread a complex, yet positive consciousness of women in the game is a void that needs to be filled. I encourage all female artists, in all art forms and not just hip hop, to become the vanguards of a lost culture. Our spirits demands it; our future daughters depend on it.

Why I should be considered for the Niroga Yoga Scholarship

My "formal" yoga experience has been limited throughout the years. Most of my yoga practice has been primarily at home and I've probably only taken a total of 10 yoga classes in the last 2 years. But even with my limited yoga experience, I have felt the transformative power of yoga within. The lessons I have learned about being present, about the breath and breathing, about letting go, and about the capabilities of my body to perform when mind and spirit are focused & aligned have been wonderful sources of healing and power. I use these gifts everyday and through them, have given and received an abundance of blessings from the universe. The ability to be able to integrate a practice that receives & gives is my main inspiration - yoga has this potential.

Intuitively, life has shown my passion in healing and building communities through love and the arts. My previous work as a counselor, and currently, as the volunteer community development head for a non-profit in Oakland, as well managing operations for an independent record label, all have the qualities of reciprocity. Each of these endeavors have allowed my soul to be fed, and in return, I am able to give even more. This exchange is the inspiration for my zest for life! In deepening my understanding about the discipline, theory, and practice of yoga, my goals are three fold:
1) to be able to integrate another healthy practice of self-love & care into my life; 2) to be able to spread love and healing by teaching the practice to others so that they may be able to find their own personal bliss; and
3) to be a part of a movement of positivity that has exponential potential to build happier & healing communities.

alive

intense heart-pounding: i feel my chest reacting with each thump. the warmth: it travels through rivers scintilating each cell, each nerve, invoking breathe... life-force energy runs through me, nourishing my soul and moving my pen... good morning everyone...how great it feels to be alive no?