1. i love and am blessed to have a place to call my very own =)
2. being alone isn't so bad; it just takes a little patience and acclimating.
3. i would compromise my self-worth and values to be a part of Common's stable (or at least its fun thinking i would!)
4. i don't care what people think of me when in the middle of running on the treadmill, i burst out the chorus of a song i'm listening to on my ipod.
5. i cried for 30 minutes straight while watching the notebook and fought so hard not to do so.
6.my very first true out-of-body meditation experience happened at pluto's on irving street. it's llike being high on X without the X.
7. i have two uncanny abilities: 1) to take life's curve balls and make it an awe-inspiring experience; 2) to be honest with myself despite what emotion/s it may make me feel or experience it may take me.
8. to live life without fear is my ultimate challenge; to lose control of myself is my biggest fear.
9. i still sometimes need to remember to be kind to myself.
10. when i was a kid, i thought that to move to the united states meant to be white. when that didn't happen, i "made" myself white by dusting my whole body with baby powder proudly screaming "look mom, i'm white!!!" I must say that as a proud woman of color, conditioning is a biotch!!
Sunday, April 4, 2010
knightingale
i waited all night that night.
a fixed gaze
on electronic buoys
only savagely
sucked the spirit
from my very existence.
i wasn't being liberated.
aching...
drowning...
blank...
inanimate.
the saving grace
i've come to trust with the
wholeness of hearts
chose not to give back to me...
chose not to...
choose me.
multiple strings have
intertwined.
in my mind,
i'm telekenetically
shifting space to
show you signs
that the dismal
darkness is preying
on places of light
i'm praying.
to hear the knightingale's
sweet song of deliverance;
my soul screams
desperately for salvation.
"life is wonderful";
"love is beautiful";
"truth is everything";
"freedom is life" (?)
mantra...*breathe*
mantra...*breathe*
cycle...viscious...
choice..cycle...
kaos and the knightingale
are one.
a fixed gaze
on electronic buoys
only savagely
sucked the spirit
from my very existence.
i wasn't being liberated.
aching...
drowning...
blank...
inanimate.
the saving grace
i've come to trust with the
wholeness of hearts
chose not to give back to me...
chose not to...
choose me.
multiple strings have
intertwined.
in my mind,
i'm telekenetically
shifting space to
show you signs
that the dismal
darkness is preying
on places of light
i'm praying.
to hear the knightingale's
sweet song of deliverance;
my soul screams
desperately for salvation.
"life is wonderful";
"love is beautiful";
"truth is everything";
"freedom is life" (?)
mantra...*breathe*
mantra...*breathe*
cycle...viscious...
choice..cycle...
kaos and the knightingale
are one.
sacred space
in need of solitude to gather my senses, to be in the safety of your sphere brings with it the process of peace. the circuitous trajectory of movement which begins with deep inhales and ends with clearing exhales sends life-force sustaining breaths vital for substantive contemplation into the mind **breathe** airing away the pounding pressures sustained from an over-dependence of the heart.
openness
...can bring with it so many layers and levels of experience - material and non-material.
...once the barrier created by bounded rationality is bulldozed out of existence, there is nothing (it seems) experienced that is not luminous
...once the barrier created by bounded rationality is bulldozed out of existence, there is nothing (it seems) experienced that is not luminous
the daily grind
The light peeking through the blinds
tells me that night has passed over
And with the sun, a new day has arrived
I lay still
Allowing the comfort
Of my bed to swallow me whole
I am immersed into a sacred space
Which fills my body and spirit with
Life-force sustaining energy
I don't want to leave this place
I feel alive again
The events from the day before
Took so much from my soul
The repression of self
With every forced nod and smile
For the sake of external approval
has been like a knife that cuts
Deeply into the essence of my being
I feel like I am losing myself
In desperate need of
Solitude to gather my senses
And a place of safety to transition
From a state of self-imposed
Numbness to having feeling again
I go to where worries fade...
Away in space and time
Its been said to me that
Time is of the essence
But if that were truth
Then why is it that
My essence feels
As if time has only
Constrained my being
From truly being
The concept of time has
Long dictated the path ahead
In the process of not wasting it
Only the straight and narrow
Have been taken
Always controlled, ever constant
Each step ahead was lit
With just enough light
To see what is right in front of me
Then finally the lights go out
Darkness sets in
And I am desperately searching
For guidance to keep me
Moving forward
Afraid to take another step
I stop all movement
And close my eyes.
tells me that night has passed over
And with the sun, a new day has arrived
I lay still
Allowing the comfort
Of my bed to swallow me whole
I am immersed into a sacred space
Which fills my body and spirit with
Life-force sustaining energy
I don't want to leave this place
I feel alive again
The events from the day before
Took so much from my soul
The repression of self
With every forced nod and smile
For the sake of external approval
has been like a knife that cuts
Deeply into the essence of my being
I feel like I am losing myself
In desperate need of
Solitude to gather my senses
And a place of safety to transition
From a state of self-imposed
Numbness to having feeling again
I go to where worries fade...
Away in space and time
Its been said to me that
Time is of the essence
But if that were truth
Then why is it that
My essence feels
As if time has only
Constrained my being
From truly being
The concept of time has
Long dictated the path ahead
In the process of not wasting it
Only the straight and narrow
Have been taken
Always controlled, ever constant
Each step ahead was lit
With just enough light
To see what is right in front of me
Then finally the lights go out
Darkness sets in
And I am desperately searching
For guidance to keep me
Moving forward
Afraid to take another step
I stop all movement
And close my eyes.
lovely sleep
no weight to
burden my mind
the wait begins
to receive love
that redeems
a clarity of mind
and heart that
is able to know
delight that
engages one
with pleasures
profound both
immediate and
without bounds
so i simplify
clean cluttered
rooms nooks
and crannies
while i surrender
to the wait
from weight
not intended
for one's
preciousness
to shoulder
today, i received love that is true, honest and giving. i am reminded of love's transformative healing nature. fact: healers can't be haters. and so i forgive myself for compromising.
my love, may more days like this continue to build beauty between us. i honor you and love you deeply in return. thank you.
burden my mind
the wait begins
to receive love
that redeems
a clarity of mind
and heart that
is able to know
delight that
engages one
with pleasures
profound both
immediate and
without bounds
so i simplify
clean cluttered
rooms nooks
and crannies
while i surrender
to the wait
from weight
not intended
for one's
preciousness
to shoulder
today, i received love that is true, honest and giving. i am reminded of love's transformative healing nature. fact: healers can't be haters. and so i forgive myself for compromising.
my love, may more days like this continue to build beauty between us. i honor you and love you deeply in return. thank you.
blessed are those who love the right way
i believe in karma.
those who suffer in this lifetime are those who have offended the divine in the past; while those blessed are reflected the love, goodness, inspiration and happiness that they put forth unselfishly.
i guess that's why i'm lucky in life and love. i must have appeased the universe as she now brings forth miracles that keep me in the light shining bright despite how darkness maliciously tries to invade my sacred space.
life is far from over and the effects of all present deeds actively create future experiences. the pain and joy one is responsible of manifesting will reflect back. so please my friends, be aware of your actions.
the universe is watching always in hope that we all choose to attain our most highest form of self.
nirvana is for those who believe and appreciate.
i am in nirvana because i believe and appreciate. thank you to the universe and to the wonderful blessings i have in this lifetime.
those who suffer in this lifetime are those who have offended the divine in the past; while those blessed are reflected the love, goodness, inspiration and happiness that they put forth unselfishly.
i guess that's why i'm lucky in life and love. i must have appeased the universe as she now brings forth miracles that keep me in the light shining bright despite how darkness maliciously tries to invade my sacred space.
life is far from over and the effects of all present deeds actively create future experiences. the pain and joy one is responsible of manifesting will reflect back. so please my friends, be aware of your actions.
the universe is watching always in hope that we all choose to attain our most highest form of self.
nirvana is for those who believe and appreciate.
i am in nirvana because i believe and appreciate. thank you to the universe and to the wonderful blessings i have in this lifetime.
a throwback: my graduation speech
**a snippet of kanye west's "I wonder" playing in the back ground**
...."And I wonder…if you know…what it means…what it means…and I wonder…if you know…what it means…to find your dreams…"....
For those of us gathered here today, we have reached a significant milestone in what many of us considered the impossible dream. I'm sure every student can relate to studying imposed insomnia and coffee-fueled overnight cramming sessions in order to make the grade imperative for progressive academic movement.....
....Every teacher, in an effort to maintain the integrity of their mission as educators, worked long tedious hours planning, preparing and promoting a purpose with the aspiration that their efforts inspire and ignite creativity, growth, and fulfillment in the lives of their students.....
....While each parent present can share in the process of wishing and hoping that all their hard work and efforts to drill the importance of education to their child's life will one day lead not only to self-sufficiency, but to the investment of their family's legacy and future. ....
....As I look around in this room, all I see is amazing luminous energy unified to celebrate the transition from the state of dreaming to that of manifesting destinies. ....
....Greetings and blessings to each and every honored graduate, mother, father, sister, brother, friend, significant other, child, teacher, mentor, speaker, performer, artist, activist, pinoy, pinay, human being…....
First and foremost, on behalf of Ating Kinabukasan class of 2008, from the depths of our hearts, we thank you all for your guiding presence in our lives for its impact and influence has lead us here to this special moment in time…our graduation day. ....
As a member of the Pilipino American graduating class of San Francisco State University, I am privileged to participate in what will go down in Pilipino American history as a day we, as a people, determined our future, Ating Kinabukasan – our Manifest Destiny. ....
I've always found it interesting when words and phrases may have meant one thing at one point in time to then evolve into something entirely different. An interesting example of this verbal wordplay for the Pilipino American come from the phrase I've come to know all too well – Manifest Destiny.
According to dictionary.com, MANIFEST is defined as something that is "readily perceived by the eye or the understanding" it is evident; obvious; and apparent…....
DESTINY, on the other hand, is "the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events".
Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "I can understand the saying, but what is its significance to the Pilipino American lexicon?" So here's a quick throw back history lesson. For those of you who've taken Psyche and Behavior with Professor Begonia, this should be very familiar.
In the 19th century, Manifest Destiny was a popular social theory which referred to the justification of American expansionism as the apparent will of God. Through the "benevolent" act of spreading Westernized religion, culture, virtues, ideals, and institutions to places like the Philippines, the American government, because of this "choosing", believed that they were entitled to any land they pleased, despite who already owned it, with the purpose being that they spread their religion of Christianity and their concept of "civilization" to the other, "inferior", people of the world.
Because of the strong belief in their Manifest Destiny, the ..Philippines.. was made to become a colony of the ....US...., and its resources were stripped for benefit outside of the country. While the extraction of resources was economically harmful to the country, an even more detrimental blow to the people was the psychological effects of colonial mentality. Generation after generation, it is sadly apparent to me that the indigenous culture of my people became more and more "lost in translation" as absorption of the teachings and the ways of the Western world took precedence.
So here we are today in the year 2008. It's been almost 120 years since the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Spanish American War; the Benevolent Assimilation Proclamation by President William McKinley, which began the process of annexing the ....Philippines.... an American colony; and Philippine-American War, which shortly followed when the Pilipino raised arms for their right to self-determination.
Almost 120 years ago, our right to Manifest our own Destiny was taken from us. But at the same time, I often think, that perhaps, things happen for a reason. This is not to take away from the oppressive nature of past events and the unknown potential that could have been derived from having the freedom to choose what is right and good for us a people and a nation. Those are circumstances we will never be able to change. Fortunately, with the vast openness and opportunity which comes with Ating Kinabukasan, we may be able to still make past "wrongs" right.
With a show of hands, how many of you have heard the phrase "No history, no self; Know history, know self?" I better see all the graduates raise their hands!! This phrase is definitely one of the most influential messages in my life. It is simple, defined exactly as it is stated, and can empower lives.
While some of you may feel like you may not be able to relate to the struggles of the Pilipino, I can say with confidence that all of us here are standing proudly today because of someone's hard work in the past.
In May 8 of 1909, my father, Juan Arsadon, was born in the ..province.. of ..Abra......island.. of ..Luzon..... Although my father came from a family who had means beyond the average Pinoy or Pinay, he had dreams…American Dreams…and wanted to find his fortune in the ....United States..... At the age of 18, my father joined the US Army and shortly immigrated to ....America.... where he changed his name from Juan Arsadon to Johnnie Cruz in an attempt to assimilate into his new country. located in the northern region of the
But my father would find assimilating a difficult task as his external non-White features were easily recognized and thus, discriminated upon. Even LOVE was tainted by prejudice and injustice as my father was denied marriage to his first love due to anti-miscegenation laws which prohibited the marriage of people of color to Whites. It was this experience among others that forever shaped the way my father thought, acted, ate, spoke, dressed, whom he surrounded himself with, and how he was to raise his family.
When I was born in 1980, my mom named me after my father, Juan Arsadon aka Johnny Cruz. She, like my father before, Americanized my name from Juana to Joana, in an attempt to make my name less "ethnic". Although I grew up with the influence of my Americanized father, I was influenced, if not more by my mother who was culturally "Pinay". This clash in culture was apparent in the conflicting views my parents had about raising my little brother and I. My father wanted us to be an independent nuclear family, while my mother embraced the idea that the family is extended to those even related through fictive kinship.
For my mother, Aida, it was a struggle to come from a place where family is everywhere and everything, to a world where it is expected that one handle's their own and only their own.
This is my early understanding of what it meant to be Pilipino American – a confused state between interdependence and independence. It was also the catalyst for my search to better understand for myself who I am. It wasn't until I did my undergrad here at ....San Francisco.. ..State.... did I find peace with what it means to be Pilipino American.
No history, no self; Know history, know self…Manifest Destiny…Ating Kinabukasan…....
It's all relative. Without an understanding of the history of the ....Philippines...., my family, and my personal history, I wouldn't have the utmost appreciation for the opportunities I have today. Without learning from the past, I wouldn't have a vivid picture of what I want to be in the future.
As we stand before you here today, we proclaim to the Universe that we are proud Pilipina American women, human beings with compassionate hearts, humble daughters, loving sisters, students, artists, lovers, freedom fighters, healer, warriors…We are anything and everything we want to be because today, we manifest our own destinies. ....
I may not know how it felt for our ancestors when American imperialism, justified by Manifest Destiny, stripped away all that was familiar and theirs to own. I may not know how it felt for my father to loose an opportunity at love because of the color of his skin, or how it felt when my mother experienced being alone in this distant foreign land far from home…but because it is their truth and it is connected to my present state, I will not forget and forever validate their struggles to making my life shine as brightly as it does today.
Graduates, at this moment, that warm feeling deep inside of your soul that resonates with overwhelming love and accomplishment…that my friends is made with the combined energy of the past and present; of the consequences of the negative, and the opportunities of the positive, of the Pilipino and the Pilipino American; of our ancestors, our family, our friends…of ourselves.
Today, May 25, 2008, together let us proclaim that we are Ating Kinabukasan!
Today, let us proclaim that we Manifest our own Destinies!
And today, let us celebrate the glorious future ahead for ourselves, our people and our community as this new way of thought and action sparks and spreads empowerment, prosperity, peace, and happiness throughout this universe like shooting stars and wildfire.
...."And I wonder…if you know…what it means…what it means…and I wonder…if you know…what it means…to find your dreams…"....
For those of us gathered here today, we have reached a significant milestone in what many of us considered the impossible dream. I'm sure every student can relate to studying imposed insomnia and coffee-fueled overnight cramming sessions in order to make the grade imperative for progressive academic movement.....
....Every teacher, in an effort to maintain the integrity of their mission as educators, worked long tedious hours planning, preparing and promoting a purpose with the aspiration that their efforts inspire and ignite creativity, growth, and fulfillment in the lives of their students.....
....While each parent present can share in the process of wishing and hoping that all their hard work and efforts to drill the importance of education to their child's life will one day lead not only to self-sufficiency, but to the investment of their family's legacy and future. ....
....As I look around in this room, all I see is amazing luminous energy unified to celebrate the transition from the state of dreaming to that of manifesting destinies. ....
....Greetings and blessings to each and every honored graduate, mother, father, sister, brother, friend, significant other, child, teacher, mentor, speaker, performer, artist, activist, pinoy, pinay, human being…....
First and foremost, on behalf of Ating Kinabukasan class of 2008, from the depths of our hearts, we thank you all for your guiding presence in our lives for its impact and influence has lead us here to this special moment in time…our graduation day. ....
As a member of the Pilipino American graduating class of San Francisco State University, I am privileged to participate in what will go down in Pilipino American history as a day we, as a people, determined our future, Ating Kinabukasan – our Manifest Destiny. ....
I've always found it interesting when words and phrases may have meant one thing at one point in time to then evolve into something entirely different. An interesting example of this verbal wordplay for the Pilipino American come from the phrase I've come to know all too well – Manifest Destiny.
According to dictionary.com, MANIFEST is defined as something that is "readily perceived by the eye or the understanding" it is evident; obvious; and apparent…....
DESTINY, on the other hand, is "the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events".
Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "I can understand the saying, but what is its significance to the Pilipino American lexicon?" So here's a quick throw back history lesson. For those of you who've taken Psyche and Behavior with Professor Begonia, this should be very familiar.
In the 19th century, Manifest Destiny was a popular social theory which referred to the justification of American expansionism as the apparent will of God. Through the "benevolent" act of spreading Westernized religion, culture, virtues, ideals, and institutions to places like the Philippines, the American government, because of this "choosing", believed that they were entitled to any land they pleased, despite who already owned it, with the purpose being that they spread their religion of Christianity and their concept of "civilization" to the other, "inferior", people of the world.
Because of the strong belief in their Manifest Destiny, the ..Philippines.. was made to become a colony of the ....US...., and its resources were stripped for benefit outside of the country. While the extraction of resources was economically harmful to the country, an even more detrimental blow to the people was the psychological effects of colonial mentality. Generation after generation, it is sadly apparent to me that the indigenous culture of my people became more and more "lost in translation" as absorption of the teachings and the ways of the Western world took precedence.
So here we are today in the year 2008. It's been almost 120 years since the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Spanish American War; the Benevolent Assimilation Proclamation by President William McKinley, which began the process of annexing the ....Philippines.... an American colony; and Philippine-American War, which shortly followed when the Pilipino raised arms for their right to self-determination.
Almost 120 years ago, our right to Manifest our own Destiny was taken from us. But at the same time, I often think, that perhaps, things happen for a reason. This is not to take away from the oppressive nature of past events and the unknown potential that could have been derived from having the freedom to choose what is right and good for us a people and a nation. Those are circumstances we will never be able to change. Fortunately, with the vast openness and opportunity which comes with Ating Kinabukasan, we may be able to still make past "wrongs" right.
With a show of hands, how many of you have heard the phrase "No history, no self; Know history, know self?" I better see all the graduates raise their hands!! This phrase is definitely one of the most influential messages in my life. It is simple, defined exactly as it is stated, and can empower lives.
While some of you may feel like you may not be able to relate to the struggles of the Pilipino, I can say with confidence that all of us here are standing proudly today because of someone's hard work in the past.
In May 8 of 1909, my father, Juan Arsadon, was born in the ..province.. of ..Abra......island.. of ..Luzon..... Although my father came from a family who had means beyond the average Pinoy or Pinay, he had dreams…American Dreams…and wanted to find his fortune in the ....United States..... At the age of 18, my father joined the US Army and shortly immigrated to ....America.... where he changed his name from Juan Arsadon to Johnnie Cruz in an attempt to assimilate into his new country. located in the northern region of the
But my father would find assimilating a difficult task as his external non-White features were easily recognized and thus, discriminated upon. Even LOVE was tainted by prejudice and injustice as my father was denied marriage to his first love due to anti-miscegenation laws which prohibited the marriage of people of color to Whites. It was this experience among others that forever shaped the way my father thought, acted, ate, spoke, dressed, whom he surrounded himself with, and how he was to raise his family.
When I was born in 1980, my mom named me after my father, Juan Arsadon aka Johnny Cruz. She, like my father before, Americanized my name from Juana to Joana, in an attempt to make my name less "ethnic". Although I grew up with the influence of my Americanized father, I was influenced, if not more by my mother who was culturally "Pinay". This clash in culture was apparent in the conflicting views my parents had about raising my little brother and I. My father wanted us to be an independent nuclear family, while my mother embraced the idea that the family is extended to those even related through fictive kinship.
For my mother, Aida, it was a struggle to come from a place where family is everywhere and everything, to a world where it is expected that one handle's their own and only their own.
This is my early understanding of what it meant to be Pilipino American – a confused state between interdependence and independence. It was also the catalyst for my search to better understand for myself who I am. It wasn't until I did my undergrad here at ....San Francisco.. ..State.... did I find peace with what it means to be Pilipino American.
No history, no self; Know history, know self…Manifest Destiny…Ating Kinabukasan…....
It's all relative. Without an understanding of the history of the ....Philippines...., my family, and my personal history, I wouldn't have the utmost appreciation for the opportunities I have today. Without learning from the past, I wouldn't have a vivid picture of what I want to be in the future.
As we stand before you here today, we proclaim to the Universe that we are proud Pilipina American women, human beings with compassionate hearts, humble daughters, loving sisters, students, artists, lovers, freedom fighters, healer, warriors…We are anything and everything we want to be because today, we manifest our own destinies. ....
I may not know how it felt for our ancestors when American imperialism, justified by Manifest Destiny, stripped away all that was familiar and theirs to own. I may not know how it felt for my father to loose an opportunity at love because of the color of his skin, or how it felt when my mother experienced being alone in this distant foreign land far from home…but because it is their truth and it is connected to my present state, I will not forget and forever validate their struggles to making my life shine as brightly as it does today.
Graduates, at this moment, that warm feeling deep inside of your soul that resonates with overwhelming love and accomplishment…that my friends is made with the combined energy of the past and present; of the consequences of the negative, and the opportunities of the positive, of the Pilipino and the Pilipino American; of our ancestors, our family, our friends…of ourselves.
Today, May 25, 2008, together let us proclaim that we are Ating Kinabukasan!
Today, let us proclaim that we Manifest our own Destinies!
And today, let us celebrate the glorious future ahead for ourselves, our people and our community as this new way of thought and action sparks and spreads empowerment, prosperity, peace, and happiness throughout this universe like shooting stars and wildfire.
envocation
i activate angels to manifest on my behalf
a steadfast path to persistence and passion
without doubt
let fear and resistance
simply be precautions
allow light to prevail
and the dark
be necessary lessons
compromising only
for better weather
never forgetting
the song my soul sings
the truth of my heart
love/speak return into being
the greatness God instilled in me
a steadfast path to persistence and passion
without doubt
let fear and resistance
simply be precautions
allow light to prevail
and the dark
be necessary lessons
compromising only
for better weather
never forgetting
the song my soul sings
the truth of my heart
love/speak return into being
the greatness God instilled in me
but deliver us...
eyes dried from cries left upon dormant ears
the most precious of all faith extinguished
by the slither of a slick fiery tongue and evil eyes
she was embraced by an iron maiden
with piercing spikes laced and drizzled
with honey and aged fine wine
her senses, intoxicated by the sweetness
of the child's play and smile
there was no feeling of penetration,
no stabbing sensation
flesh and spikes became one, enclosed inside
and forced to remain standing upright
she continues to live breathe in pain
from not dying for the heart remains unscathed
beating furiously with fire, awaiting the day the device
is unlocked...and she, released.
the most precious of all faith extinguished
by the slither of a slick fiery tongue and evil eyes
she was embraced by an iron maiden
with piercing spikes laced and drizzled
with honey and aged fine wine
her senses, intoxicated by the sweetness
of the child's play and smile
there was no feeling of penetration,
no stabbing sensation
flesh and spikes became one, enclosed inside
and forced to remain standing upright
she continues to live breathe in pain
from not dying for the heart remains unscathed
beating furiously with fire, awaiting the day the device
is unlocked...and she, released.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)