Monday, December 20, 2010

.:sweet thing:.

you make my heart sing...

swaying to and fro
to the shakes of quakes and
the rolls of thunder
the melody is perfect chaos
i the staccato
sprinkling sudden bursts of joy
to your continuous legato
producing an arrhythmia
i once ran away from
because it could prove fatal
afraid to sit and bask
in the truth of our connection
i forget how our souls kissed
and made love while we slept
as we were secretly dreaming, longing
for the warmth in each other's touch
the harmony in our layered chords
sealed our accord, sending our spirits
to auditory ecstasy
because together...
the melody we make
when we freely be
sings a song so sweet
so real, for our divine eyes to finally see
that this union of sounds
is music meant to be

The Sense in Sensibilities

Last night, I woke to a powerful thunderstorm brewing beneath my belly.
An energetic vortex exists in my once calm sea and Svadhisthana demands to be fulfilled.
Every inch of my skin begs to be touched; my lips quiver to be kissed.
My knees rise towards my chest. Tonight, I embrace them tightly. “Aahhh…” I close my eyes.
I am drowning…drowning in a whirlpool of fantasy.
Drowning in desire…drowning in guilt.
As my body twists like an uncoiling snake in heat, I kick off the blankets, quickly peel all layers
and begin to pray for peace to pacify the rapidly increasing pulsations agonizing me from within.
Oh my Goddess…
One hand is cupped below, the other, stretches out to feel for the phone.
My mother would never approve… or would she?

You see, growing up Catholic, my mother tried to ingrain
at an early age that sexual exploration
is only without sin when experienced
in the context of marriage between a man and a woman.
That a girl who allowed herself momentary and transient sexual
pleasures lacked self-respect and was a sinner in the eyes of God.
When I was a teenager, she told me stories of her childhood in the Philippines.
Of how propriety was observed by all the women in her family
And of how signs of the possibility of promiscuity was punished
with the sinner kneeling on grains of rice in front of the cross
while praying to Jesus for a clean mind, forgiveness and salvation.
I knew what she expected; what my ancestors expected.
But even at a young age, I knew that things were not so black and white
That the complex world we lived in was held together
by very delicate strings…

At the age of 21, my mother married a man almost 50 years her senior.
This union was not one of romantic love, but of security and opportunity.
It was a manifestation of the connection between poverty, opportunism,
a woman's mobility, and the global patterns of inequality.
But even with these social factors, no one can deny, especially her children,
how she sacrificed every little girl’s ideal dream for a marriage with sensibility.

When my father died and she became a widow in her late 30’s,
My mother experienced a freedom she hadn’t felt since her youth.
She began to feel like a woman again…
Not a mother, not a wife, not a provider…
Just…a woman…looking for a partner to share this lifetime with once again.
But she was different this time around. Time brought her many lessons.
She wasn’t young and naïve as she once was.
For years, she had been repressed by her gender, by her economic status,
and by a man she didn’t love. This time around, she…was seasoned.
Uncompromising, she looked for love and nothing less.
For desire to fuel her fire…for an ideal she thought she could never reclaim.
Like Stella…mama got her groove back and had no qualms about it.
But not everyone saw this experience as a form of liberation;
a celebration of life and of re-birth.
I knew the neighbors were intimated. She did too.
And it used to bother me that they were
as I watched many lovers come and go.
My perception of my mother changed.
In my mind she became the model of who not to be.
And I…I wanted to be different; to be accepted and respected.
She was no longer my Mother Mary, but more like Mary Magdalene.
And I, became one of those who threw stones…
I look back today and I ask myself why…why did I judge her?
Why did it matter what everyone else thought?
Why could I not see that she never stopped being
wonderful mother to me?

I adored her.
She was the epitome of an independent woman –
the vanguard, breadwinner, protector and caretaker of the family.
She was beautiful, loving and fearless.
She held all authority and was not to be questioned.
I desired to be a good daughter and to please her.
As a child, I wanted to be just like her.
But why was it that as I blossomed into a young woman,
I worked so hard to mold myself to become
as far from a the image of the woman I thought she had become.

But only time reveals certain lessons and experiences…new insights.
In June, I turned 29. A time of endings and new beginnings.
By this age, I felt society expectation to be a wife and mother.
To nest a sacred space for family.
To have a stationary home.
To be an established career woman.
To be done with youth and along with it
…it’s whimsical freedom.
But that’s not me.
That’s not my Pinay story.
Saturn’s return came with full force and revealed
the secret mysteries of life – joyful, sorrowful and glorious.
I realized who I’ve become…who I am.
I am single, childless and on my own.
My passions are art, travel & understanding human connection.
My family & companions, kindred spirits I’ve met along the way.
My home, is everywhere and anywhere I am welcomed.
My work is that of a healer…a babaylan priestess incarnate.
Reaching higher-self is my purpose.
And like my mother, my heart has been tried and tested.
It’s felt the pains of loss, as well as the ecstasy of love.
My own web has been spun and with it many stories
which continue from the thread that began with my mother.
I was told a long time ago, that to know history, was to know self.
Stepping into her shoes, I received my right of passage.
And finally, I am able to see the intricate complexities and honor
of what it means to be a woman by embracing my mother…my sweet, strong, amazing mother.
Now I can live life with no qualms and total ownership of my future.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

transformation

butterfly
blue, green, gold and white
you're out of sight...
take flight to heights
unseen by thine eyes
the view in this distance
is divine
its mine
and yours
its ours...
float & flutter
do what you like
what feels right
cause you are free
the wind is energy
universe provides
at just the right time
with just the right force
to test the strength and
wisdom obtained
from wind's varied forms
to assist in evolution
we are provided what we need
everyday in every way
forever
for freedom

Monday, April 26, 2010

Where the ladies at? A woman's view on the current state of women in Hip Hop.

Growing up, Queen Latifah, MC Lyte, Lauryn Hill, Lil' Kim, Missy Elliot and Erykah Badu, to name a few, were iconic women in mainstream hip-hop. Each lady had her own style, her own flair, and her own message to share to the world. With dope beats & ill rhymes, they contributed their unique views of life told from the female eye. They shared stories of their role/s in hip hop, of mother & sisterhood, of hope & the intricacies of love, of the art of the hustle, of society's ills and inequalities, of politics & politriks, and of cautionary tales showcasing skills needed to survive. Collectively, they represented diversity in the female experience. They were activists, vixens, mothers, wives, and hustlers. They were freedom fighters who defied to define and shape reality through art.

It's been at least over a decade (for some even more) since these ladies first hit the scene, gained their fame, and moved on to other things in life creating a gap to be filled for new female voices in mainstream hip hop. While hip hop music, rooted in the idea of promoting self-expression for the disenfranchised, continued to spread all over the world being influenced by a wide range of musical styles, the genre, lyrically, has remained male dominated and what seemed to be a burgeoning industry for women to speak their truths has faded with time.

So, where the ladies at? Are there truly no females picking up the mic and spitting fire? Does the genre still provide a space for women to create and be great? These question got me curious about the current state of women in hip hop today so, I did some research. I looked on top online hip hop charts, spoke to industry professionals, and perused music pages, blogs and social networking sites to find out what's the latest (and greatest) in the female MC category.

In the mainstream scene, I experienced nothing short of disappointment. Not only was it difficult to find female MCs, but those who were successful to hit mass consumption like Nicki Minaj sounded like extensions of the male id who's messages primarily promoted money, materialism and misogyny. What was also abundant was the presence and objectification of the female body in the lyrical content and music videos of the industry's top male rappers. Labeled "walking bling", it's evident that the role of women in mainstream hip hop was being shaped for young ladies to be seen and not heard. There seems to be no sacred space for the sensitivities and sensibilities of women in the today's hyper-masculine hip hop.

As a woman, a fan of hip hop, and practitioner of self-expression, sitting quietly in the corner is not my style. The pervasiveness of the degradation of my sistren, coming from a form of art that has proven to be so empowering and healing to so many people cannot simply be overlooked and made acceptable. There was once a time when the voices of women in hip hop were celebrated and embraced. What happened to the hip hop that made me feel powerful and honored to be a woman? I'm not here to diss Nicki Minaj or any woman who decides to use her sexuality to make it in the music industry. But rather pose critical thought on what kinds of conditions creates and sustains a singular representation of women in mainstream hip hop, its effect on the psyche of those who consume this image and message, and what needs to change for there to be a demand for the stories depicting the multi-faceted nature and experiences of women.

On the flipside, I was inspired and impressed to find that the local and underground scenes did feature amazing female MC's, lyricists and rappers such as M.I.A., Jean Grae and Hopie Spitshard. These ladies rap about a myriad of topics with depth and breadth using stylistic precision, intelligent and witty rhymes, and their feminity without the use of sexploitation to get attention and further advancement. The failures of the mainstream to promote and spread a complex, yet positive consciousness of women in the game is a void that needs to be filled. I encourage all female artists, in all art forms and not just hip hop, to become the vanguards of a lost culture. Our spirits demands it; our future daughters depend on it.








Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Why I should be considered for the Niroga Yoga Scholarship

My "formal" yoga experience has been limited throughout the years. Most of my yoga practice has been primarily at home and I've probably only taken a total of 10 yoga classes in the last 2 years. But even with my limited yoga experience, I have felt the transformative power of yoga within. The lessons I have learned about being present, about the breath and breathing, about letting go, and about the capabilities of my body to perform when mind and spirit are focused & aligned have been wonderful sources of healing and power. I use these gifts everyday and through them, have given and received an abundance of blessings from the universe. The ability to be able to integrate a practice that receives & gives is my main inspiration - yoga has this potential.

Intuitively, life has shown my passion in healing and building communities through love and the arts. My previous work as a counselor, and currently, as the volunteer community development head for a non-profit in Oakland, as well managing operations for an independent record label, all have the qualities of reciprocity. Each of these endeavors have allowed my soul to be fed, and in return, I am able to give even more. This exchange is the inspiration for my zest for life! In deepening my understanding about the discipline, theory, and practice of yoga, my goals are three fold:
1) to be able to integrate another healthy practice of self-love & care into my life; 2) to be able to spread love and healing by teaching the practice to others so that they may be able to find their own personal bliss; and
3) to be a part of a movement of positivity that has exponential potential to build happier & healing communities.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

alive

intense heart-pounding: i feel my chest reacting with each thump. the warmth: it travels through rivers scintilating each cell, each nerve, invoking breathe... life-force energy runs through me, nourishing my soul and moving my pen... good morning everyone...how great it feels to be alive no?

Sunday, April 4, 2010

released [love/speak]

Alliterations of love lexicons
sung in ancient tongues
repeat to the synchronous beat
of my once silently cold heart
Pen in hand, thoughts in jones,
she sees serenity in scapes of
trees and seas, in long winding roads
that lead to pockets of heaven on earth
Where one in tune with the universe
is secretly whispered the meaning of life
The senses are peaked to grand heights
catalyzed by melodica and guitar
mimicking the sound of wind's gentle breeze
and my soul's internal strum
I hear her calling out to me
singing sweet praises to
la Luna, Kali and Pele for
their divine guidance has
allowed love to finally speak

and i heard em' say...

I wrote this essay for a class a few years ago and it's been on my mind lately. Something to think about as we live day by day in our current socio/political state...nothing's ever promised tomorrow today...

The term democracy “refers to a political system in which the interests of the people at large prevail” (Denhardt, 2006, p. 3). But what exactly are the interests of the people at large and who are these people that make the group? These are some of the questions that arise in any discussion regarding democracy. Due to its nature, different people have interpreted democracy and the democratic processes in a variety of ways; therefore the spectrum in which democracy is practiced is wide-ranging.



In the United States, important cultural values such as the ideas of individualism, equality, and liberty, are significant and central concepts conducive in the creation of its democratic republic and society. Individualism is “the idea that the dignity and integrity of the individual is of supreme importance” (p. 3). It is in this idea of individualism that the Declaration of Independence was manifested to secure that “certain inalienable rights” are protected by and is the purpose of government. Equality is the idea that “each individual has an equal claim to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” (pg.3). Regarding the idea of equality, Denhardt and Denhardt writes:

In this view, each person be seen as an end, not as a means; no one should be a mere tool of another. Moreover, equality in the field of government would suggest that differences in wealth or position are not sufficient reasons for giving one group preference over another. In a democracy, each one has an equal claim to the attention of the system (pg. 3).

Lastly, the concept of liberty (or freedom) “suggests that the individual citizen of a democracy should have a high degree of self-determination…Liberty is more than just the absence of constraints; it suggests the freedom to act positively in pursuit of one’s own end” (pg. 3-4).



Each of these values has been and continues to be imperative in the promotion, creation, and maintenance of the democratic society within which the American government operates. But, although though these concepts have survived throughout the centuries, the degree practiced of these values exercised by the American people and government have not always been maximized. Throughout American history, recorded are the decisions and events in which these values have been compromised and replaced with other interpretations of those values or other values altogether. For example, the concept of equality has been promoted and documented in the Declaration of Independence (that all men are created equal), but the reality of slaves or a group of people treated as “lesser beings” in the United States has actualized and in my opinion, continues through covert methods. On the other hand, having these concepts as the foundations of America’s democratic society, forces people (though not all), especially during a time of crisis, to refer to back to these concepts, analyze the state of the society, and push for what’s promised. In the Constitution of the United States, Amendment XIV (1868), Section 1, states that “…[n]o State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property without due process of law; nor deny any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the law” (Greenberg and Page, 2002, pg. A-11). This amendment to the Constitution was enacted into law due to the problem of slavery, which plagued and divided our society prior to that time. It was a mandatory policy, which enacted, called into question the current practice of slavery against one of the central concepts of the American democratic society, equality.



Although time has revealed that maximizing the ideals of these concepts are a difficult tasks for our government and our national community, I believe that having these concepts, as the foundation of this society is still important in trying to become a better democratic society. These concepts and its definitions are goals that our community can and should continue to attain for all people. It is through these concepts that the freedoms and quality of life we so enjoy are secured and although it is the government’s job to protect them, it is our job as citizens to demand them. So I challenge you, my community, the body politic which this government was created to serve, to take a stand and let your voices be heard. Demand the promises of yesterday to actualize TODAY!!

"The Keys to My Heart"

"The Keys to Your Heart"

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

to you

today.yousendme.flyingaway.

smilingsweetly.mysenses.envelopedby.

afamiliarscent.imtouched.deeply.

confusion.torture.safety.satisfaction.

choicesaretaken.everyday.today.

ichooseyou.

throwback: finally...i've found my artist

searching.analyzing.innerself.translating.concept

for the last year, this part of my tattoo journey has continously evolved due to the non-linear movement/flow of concept creation.

life brings new lessons everyday. an acute awareness of moments in relation to self speeds up this experience and in the process, i missed "things" that may have otherwise been significant had i stayed still.

so i did...i sat with myself. sometimes quietly, other times in frantic disaccord, all the time in pain and recollection. and then it came...man it came ( like a rainy day in frisco)! i revisited old questions i thought i had answers for. and looked at new questions that need "figuring out". i felt. i cried. i remembered. ultimately, i found what i momentarily lost. hurray! today, i move forward.

what a happy coincidence it is that on the day that i can once again say "i'm feelin' myself", i decided to pick up where i left off on my tattooing expedition and found the person meant to "ink" me. i almost gave up on the whole thing after feeling like i missed the perfect opportunity to get my work of art created while i was in the philippines. i think that when i decided to let go of my ideal "tattoo adventure" gracefully (since it was a situation i could not control), i stayed open to evolution as opposed to resenting the "what coulda been".

today, i went with d.hunt, a trusted friend and tattoo veteran, to visit aleks figaueroa - an artist i found online while researching filipino tribal symbols. i first contacted aleks two months ago before my p.i. trip. he replied while i was on vacation and i remember thinking that his email was really "polite". i must admit, i almost overlooked the email since i was set on getting tatted in the motherland. when that didn't happen, i tried keep the emotional impact to a minimum and refocused all my energy on what was present - grad school and work.

since then, i have experienced so many different things in such a short amount of time. from feeling overwhelmed and burnout by the amount of projects i had on my plate, to trying to support a friend losing a loved one, to feeling unable to mend strained relationships, to dealing with my own sense of disconnect with myself, my values and my goals. i don't know if its simply survival mode to focus on tasks and measurable things when things feel out of control, but that's what i did. i can't say that it doesn't have its benefits. i got shit i needed to do done impeccably. i got external validation for my accomplishments. but still i did not feel whole. i forgot/lost who i was/what i'm about along the way. and i didn't even see it happening. i call this my "hacky sack" moment (an ode to freddie prince jr. in "she's all that"). finally, time stood still for a moment and things became clearer.

so fast forward to today. i woke up looking at my tattoo research. although i was open to getting my tat done by the pros at body manipulations, who i really wanted was a pinoy/pinay skilled at the style i wanted. so i called up balisong tattoo in long beach to see if they could refer me to someone who could create my vision in ink here in the city. to my surprise (and my blessing) the shop's artist, aleks, was in town doing jobs. as soon as he told me he was available for a consultation, i put my ass in gear to go! i picked up d. and during the ride, we chopped it up about the who ritualism behind tattoing and the important things one should know before committing to getting inked. i was so blessed that i had d.'s support! his knowledge was invaluable. he helped to make me feel comfortable with my decision.

when we finally got to the shop, initially, i was like "whoa"...where the hell am i and what am i getting myself into? alek's san francisco studio (he's based in so. cal) was located in the back room of a house in the busy marina district. it wasn't ghetto or anything like that, but i must say my expectations were totally different (i've been watching miami ink). inside the room, we were greeted by alek's, a couple of his clients/buddies and his beautiful brendle pitbull, Oakland (who was sooooo sweet!!) despite my first impression, instantly, the vibe was cool. aleks seemed very experience, as well as calm and reassuring. i felt like knew what it was i wanted done and i felt confident in his ability to do it. so i sealed the deal and come june 30, 2007, i will be getting my first tattoo!!

next steps in the journey: manifestation.celebration

peace.

10 things about me

1. i love and am blessed to have a place to call my very own =)

2. being alone isn't so bad; it just takes a little patience and acclimating.

3. i would compromise my self-worth and values to be a part of Common's stable (or at least its fun thinking i would!)

4. i don't care what people think of me when in the middle of running on the treadmill, i burst out the chorus of a song i'm listening to on my ipod.

5. i cried for 30 minutes straight while watching the notebook and fought so hard not to do so.

6.my very first true out-of-body meditation experience happened at pluto's on irving street. it's llike being high on X without the X.

7. i have two uncanny abilities: 1) to take life's curve balls and make it an awe-inspiring experience; 2) to be honest with myself despite what emotion/s it may make me feel or experience it may take me.

8. to live life without fear is my ultimate challenge; to lose control of myself is my biggest fear.

9. i still sometimes need to remember to be kind to myself.

10. when i was a kid, i thought that to move to the united states meant to be white. when that didn't happen, i "made" myself white by dusting my whole body with baby powder proudly screaming "look mom, i'm white!!!" I must say that as a proud woman of color, conditioning is a biotch!!

knightingale

i waited all night that night.

a fixed gaze
on electronic buoys
only savagely
sucked the spirit
from my very existence.

i wasn't being liberated.

aching...
drowning...
blank...
inanimate.

the saving grace
i've come to trust with the
wholeness of hearts
chose not to give back to me...

chose not to...
choose me.

multiple strings have
intertwined.

in my mind,
i'm telekenetically
shifting space to
show you signs

that the dismal
darkness is preying
on places of light

i'm praying.

to hear the knightingale's
sweet song of deliverance;
my soul screams
desperately for salvation.

"life is wonderful";
"love is beautiful";
"truth is everything";
"freedom is life" (?)

mantra...*breathe*
mantra...*breathe*

cycle...viscious...
choice..cycle...

kaos and the knightingale
are one.

sacred space

in need of solitude to gather my senses, to be in the safety of your sphere brings with it the process of peace. the circuitous trajectory of movement which begins with deep inhales and ends with clearing exhales sends life-force sustaining breaths vital for substantive contemplation into the mind **breathe** airing away the pounding pressures sustained from an over-dependence of the heart.

openness

...can bring with it so many layers and levels of experience - material and non-material.

...once the barrier created by bounded rationality is bulldozed out of existence, there is nothing (it seems) experienced that is not luminous

the daily grind

The light peeking through the blinds

tells me that night has passed over

And with the sun, a new day has arrived

I lay still

Allowing the comfort

Of my bed to swallow me whole

I am immersed into a sacred space

Which fills my body and spirit with

Life-force sustaining energy

I don't want to leave this place

I feel alive again



The events from the day before

Took so much from my soul

The repression of self

With every forced nod and smile

For the sake of external approval

has been like a knife that cuts

Deeply into the essence of my being

I feel like I am losing myself



In desperate need of

Solitude to gather my senses

And a place of safety to transition

From a state of self-imposed

Numbness to having feeling again

I go to where worries fade...

Away in space and time



Its been said to me that

Time is of the essence

But if that were truth

Then why is it that

My essence feels

As if time has only

Constrained my being

From truly being

The concept of time has

Long dictated the path ahead

In the process of not wasting it

Only the straight and narrow

Have been taken



Always controlled, ever constant

Each step ahead was lit

With just enough light

To see what is right in front of me

Then finally the lights go out

Darkness sets in

And I am desperately searching

For guidance to keep me

Moving forward

Afraid to take another step

I stop all movement

And close my eyes.

lovely sleep

no weight to
burden my mind
the wait begins
to receive love
that redeems
a clarity of mind
and heart that
is able to know
delight that
engages one
with pleasures
profound both
immediate and
without bounds
so i simplify
clean cluttered
rooms nooks
and crannies
while i surrender
to the wait
from weight
not intended
for one's
preciousness
to shoulder

today, i received love that is true, honest and giving. i am reminded of love's transformative healing nature. fact: healers can't be haters. and so i forgive myself for compromising.

my love, may more days like this continue to build beauty between us. i honor you and love you deeply in return. thank you.

blessed are those who love the right way

i believe in karma.

those who suffer in this lifetime are those who have offended the divine in the past; while those blessed are reflected the love, goodness, inspiration and happiness that they put forth unselfishly.

i guess that's why i'm lucky in life and love. i must have appeased the universe as she now brings forth miracles that keep me in the light shining bright despite how darkness maliciously tries to invade my sacred space.

life is far from over and the effects of all present deeds actively create future experiences. the pain and joy one is responsible of manifesting will reflect back. so please my friends, be aware of your actions.

the universe is watching always in hope that we all choose to attain our most highest form of self.

nirvana is for those who believe and appreciate.

i am in nirvana because i believe and appreciate. thank you to the universe and to the wonderful blessings i have in this lifetime.

a throwback: my graduation speech

**a snippet of kanye west's "I wonder" playing in the back ground**

...."And I wonder…if you know…what it means…what it means…and I wonder…if you know…what it means…to find your dreams…"....

For those of us gathered here today, we have reached a significant milestone in what many of us considered the impossible dream. I'm sure every student can relate to studying imposed insomnia and coffee-fueled overnight cramming sessions in order to make the grade imperative for progressive academic movement.....

....Every teacher, in an effort to maintain the integrity of their mission as educators, worked long tedious hours planning, preparing and promoting a purpose with the aspiration that their efforts inspire and ignite creativity, growth, and fulfillment in the lives of their students.....

....While each parent present can share in the process of wishing and hoping that all their hard work and efforts to drill the importance of education to their child's life will one day lead not only to self-sufficiency, but to the investment of their family's legacy and future. ....

....As I look around in this room, all I see is amazing luminous energy unified to celebrate the transition from the state of dreaming to that of manifesting destinies. ....

....Greetings and blessings to each and every honored graduate, mother, father, sister, brother, friend, significant other, child, teacher, mentor, speaker, performer, artist, activist, pinoy, pinay, human being…....

First and foremost, on behalf of Ating Kinabukasan class of 2008, from the depths of our hearts, we thank you all for your guiding presence in our lives for its impact and influence has lead us here to this special moment in time…our graduation day. ....

As a member of the Pilipino American graduating class of San Francisco State University, I am privileged to participate in what will go down in Pilipino American history as a day we, as a people, determined our future, Ating Kinabukasan – our Manifest Destiny. ....

I've always found it interesting when words and phrases may have meant one thing at one point in time to then evolve into something entirely different. An interesting example of this verbal wordplay for the Pilipino American come from the phrase I've come to know all too well – Manifest Destiny.

According to dictionary.com, MANIFEST is defined as something that is "readily perceived by the eye or the understanding" it is evident; obvious; and apparent…....

DESTINY, on the other hand, is "the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events".

Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, "I can understand the saying, but what is its significance to the Pilipino American lexicon?" So here's a quick throw back history lesson. For those of you who've taken Psyche and Behavior with Professor Begonia, this should be very familiar.

In the 19th century, Manifest Destiny was a popular social theory which referred to the justification of American expansionism as the apparent will of God. Through the "benevolent" act of spreading Westernized religion, culture, virtues, ideals, and institutions to places like the Philippines, the American government, because of this "choosing", believed that they were entitled to any land they pleased, despite who already owned it, with the purpose being that they spread their religion of Christianity and their concept of "civilization" to the other, "inferior", people of the world.

Because of the strong belief in their Manifest Destiny, the ..Philippines.. was made to become a colony of the ....US...., and its resources were stripped for benefit outside of the country. While the extraction of resources was economically harmful to the country, an even more detrimental blow to the people was the psychological effects of colonial mentality. Generation after generation, it is sadly apparent to me that the indigenous culture of my people became more and more "lost in translation" as absorption of the teachings and the ways of the Western world took precedence.

So here we are today in the year 2008. It's been almost 120 years since the Treaty of Paris, which officially ended the Spanish American War; the Benevolent Assimilation Proclamation by President William McKinley, which began the process of annexing the ....Philippines.... an American colony; and Philippine-American War, which shortly followed when the Pilipino raised arms for their right to self-determination.

Almost 120 years ago, our right to Manifest our own Destiny was taken from us. But at the same time, I often think, that perhaps, things happen for a reason. This is not to take away from the oppressive nature of past events and the unknown potential that could have been derived from having the freedom to choose what is right and good for us a people and a nation. Those are circumstances we will never be able to change. Fortunately, with the vast openness and opportunity which comes with Ating Kinabukasan, we may be able to still make past "wrongs" right.

With a show of hands, how many of you have heard the phrase "No history, no self; Know history, know self?" I better see all the graduates raise their hands!! This phrase is definitely one of the most influential messages in my life. It is simple, defined exactly as it is stated, and can empower lives.

While some of you may feel like you may not be able to relate to the struggles of the Pilipino, I can say with confidence that all of us here are standing proudly today because of someone's hard work in the past.

In May 8 of 1909, my father, Juan Arsadon, was born in the ..province.. of ..Abra......island.. of ..Luzon..... Although my father came from a family who had means beyond the average Pinoy or Pinay, he had dreams…American Dreams…and wanted to find his fortune in the ....United States..... At the age of 18, my father joined the US Army and shortly immigrated to ....America.... where he changed his name from Juan Arsadon to Johnnie Cruz in an attempt to assimilate into his new country. located in the northern region of the

But my father would find assimilating a difficult task as his external non-White features were easily recognized and thus, discriminated upon. Even LOVE was tainted by prejudice and injustice as my father was denied marriage to his first love due to anti-miscegenation laws which prohibited the marriage of people of color to Whites. It was this experience among others that forever shaped the way my father thought, acted, ate, spoke, dressed, whom he surrounded himself with, and how he was to raise his family.

When I was born in 1980, my mom named me after my father, Juan Arsadon aka Johnny Cruz. She, like my father before, Americanized my name from Juana to Joana, in an attempt to make my name less "ethnic". Although I grew up with the influence of my Americanized father, I was influenced, if not more by my mother who was culturally "Pinay". This clash in culture was apparent in the conflicting views my parents had about raising my little brother and I. My father wanted us to be an independent nuclear family, while my mother embraced the idea that the family is extended to those even related through fictive kinship.

For my mother, Aida, it was a struggle to come from a place where family is everywhere and everything, to a world where it is expected that one handle's their own and only their own.

This is my early understanding of what it meant to be Pilipino American – a confused state between interdependence and independence. It was also the catalyst for my search to better understand for myself who I am. It wasn't until I did my undergrad here at ....San Francisco.. ..State.... did I find peace with what it means to be Pilipino American.

No history, no self; Know history, know self…Manifest Destiny…Ating Kinabukasan…....

It's all relative. Without an understanding of the history of the ....Philippines...., my family, and my personal history, I wouldn't have the utmost appreciation for the opportunities I have today. Without learning from the past, I wouldn't have a vivid picture of what I want to be in the future.

As we stand before you here today, we proclaim to the Universe that we are proud Pilipina American women, human beings with compassionate hearts, humble daughters, loving sisters, students, artists, lovers, freedom fighters, healer, warriors…We are anything and everything we want to be because today, we manifest our own destinies. ....

I may not know how it felt for our ancestors when American imperialism, justified by Manifest Destiny, stripped away all that was familiar and theirs to own. I may not know how it felt for my father to loose an opportunity at love because of the color of his skin, or how it felt when my mother experienced being alone in this distant foreign land far from home…but because it is their truth and it is connected to my present state, I will not forget and forever validate their struggles to making my life shine as brightly as it does today.

Graduates, at this moment, that warm feeling deep inside of your soul that resonates with overwhelming love and accomplishment…that my friends is made with the combined energy of the past and present; of the consequences of the negative, and the opportunities of the positive, of the Pilipino and the Pilipino American; of our ancestors, our family, our friends…of ourselves.

Today, May 25, 2008, together let us proclaim that we are Ating Kinabukasan!

Today, let us proclaim that we Manifest our own Destinies!

And today, let us celebrate the glorious future ahead for ourselves, our people and our community as this new way of thought and action sparks and spreads empowerment, prosperity, peace, and happiness throughout this universe like shooting stars and wildfire.

envocation

i activate angels to manifest on my behalf

a steadfast path to persistence and passion

without doubt

let fear and resistance

simply be precautions

allow light to prevail

and the dark

be necessary lessons

compromising only

for better weather

never forgetting

the song my soul sings

the truth of my heart

love/speak return into being

the greatness God instilled in me

but deliver us...

eyes dried from cries left upon dormant ears
the most precious of all faith extinguished
by the slither of a slick fiery tongue and evil eyes
she was embraced by an iron maiden
with piercing spikes laced and drizzled
with honey and aged fine wine
her senses, intoxicated by the sweetness
of the child's play and smile
there was no feeling of penetration,
no stabbing sensation
flesh and spikes became one, enclosed inside
and forced to remain standing upright
she continues to live breathe in pain
from not dying for the heart remains unscathed
beating furiously with fire, awaiting the day the device
is unlocked...and she, released.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Why now?

I consider myself a natural writer. Whether it be essays, a poem, a love letter or an opinion piece, it was always very easy for me to write about a variety of subjects and matters. And not to toot my own horn (really), but I wasn't just an ok writer, but a great writer with strong technical skills and content and flair to match. But in the last few years, I've found that I've struggled with the process. I had a variety of reasons (ahem...excuses) for the lack of my once favored hobby including:

1) Not having enough time to make time to write
2) Not having the right "space" to write
3) Not feeling the timing was right to manifest a masterpiece
4) Not being able to focus on writing because my Gemini tendencies had me wrapped up in a lot of other things I was interested in
and...
4) Fear in all its forms

Looking at this list, I can say that my reasons are fairly legitimate. For years, I've either studied and worked full-time, volunteered for various causes, was a super social butterfly, had an active night-life, and enjoyed the freshness in discovery. Everyday was a new day and I was excited to experience every second of it. Also, because I can be a perfectionist (when I want to be), I would not...could not...settle for mediocracy when it came to writing.

But my life has dramatically changed in the last four months. In November, I stopped working my traditional corporate 9 to 5, in exchange for the more flexible, ever evolving life of the artistic entrepreneur. It's been a challenge, but rewarding in so many aspects to say the least. One thing that I definitely have more of is time. This doesn't mean I haven't been busy. I have my hand in various projects and still working around the clock most nights. But it's time spent doing things I want and chose to do.

So going back to the title. Why now? Why not? 2010 has brought with it a bounty of experiences already. I feel like I'm progressing towards my life path. I'll be traveling in the summer to Europe with my real great friends and fellow artists. Love is abundant in my life. And because my financial situation has greatly changed, I've noticed I've been more inclined to find past times that don't require a lot of cash. These reasons have catalyzed courage and a free flow of creativity I need to take full advantage of. And what a better way to document these experience than simply taking a few moments to sit back, write and enjoy the fruits of life.